They say love is blind, but nothing opens a person’s eyes quite like a multi-million dollar portfolio or a dispute over who gets custody of the vintage vinyl collection. You might think you truly know your partner because you’ve seen them at their worst—coughing through a flu or trying to navigate a parking garage—but the real cosmic revelation happens when the word “assets” enter the chat. Do you know what your partner might expect in order to sign on the dotted line? Take a look at the sample “prenup” excerpts and guess which belongs to each zodiac sign.
#1. This clause remains heavily redacted and encrypted. By signing below, the Spouse agrees that if they violate the marriage vows, the mystery sign automatically wins custody of everything. If you even look at another human, this clause triggers an immediate asset seizure. The mystery sign is entitled to the money, the pets, and your social security number. The Spouse agrees to sign a lifetime NDA regarding the mystery sign’s behavior, under penalty of having their entire search history and deepest secrets leaked to the public. No eye contact shall be made during the signing of this specific page.
#2. In the event of a split, the mystery sign walks away with 100% of their dignity and zero accountability. The Spouse legally waives the right to sue for whiplash caused by the mystery sign’s sudden change of heart, and agrees to cover all medical expenses for injuries sustained during unhinged meltdowns. Furthermore, mystery sign shall not be held liable for any damages incurred during fits of spontaneous passion, unprovoked outbursts, or midnight impulse buys.
#3. This document, complete with 47 color-coded appendices and a comprehensive spreadsheet of every dollar spent since 2024, dictates that the Spouse shall lose all asset rights if they are found guilty of mixing whites with colors in the laundry, misfiling tax documents, or leaving the kitchen cabinet doors open more than three times. Additional penalties apply every time Spouse failed to wipe down the counters or used the wrong trash bag. By signing, the Spouse admits total fault for the breakdown of the marriage due to gross incompetence, lack of optimization, and general lack of basic common sense.
#4. The mystery sign is already packing their bags. The Spouse agrees that a text message reading “I’m out”constitutes full and final legal separation. The mystery sign leaves with their passport, airline miles and zero guilt, while the Spouse is left holding the lease, the utility bills, and the consequences of their own bad choices.
#5. The Spouse explicitly agrees that “what’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is negotiated.” Under no circumstances shall the Spouse be entitled to any share of the mystery sign’s curated high-end kitchen appliances, luxury Egyptian cotton linens, or secret emergency snack reserves. Any attempt to access the savings account, split the premium streaming service passwords or demand “half” of the artisanal cheese collection will result in an immediate forfeiture of all shared assets.The mystery sign will not split the bill for a divorce lawyer; you brought this on yourself.
#6. Should this union dissolve, the Spouse agrees to surrender all shared red-carpet photos, lighting equipment, and high-engagement social media posts. The mystery sign retains full copyright over their own likeness, charm, and the general “glow-up” experienced by the Spouse during the marriage, plus exclusive custody of the spotlight. Upon dissolution of this marriage, the Spouse must immediately unfollow, unfriend, and delete all digital evidence of ever having stood next to the mystery sign. The Spouse shall also pay a “reputational damage fee” for lowering the mystery sign’s overall aesthetic value during the duration of the union.
#7. This union was a hostile takeover, not a romance. The Spouse is entitled to exactly zero percent of the wealth accumulated, as your “emotional contribution” did not yield a measurable ROI. Please accept this standard corporate severance package and vacate the premises by 5:00 PM.
#8. This agreement explicitly notes that the Spouse is marrying two distinct personalities—possibly more. In the case of separation, asset division will require separate arbitration meetings for each persona. The Spouse agrees never to subpoena or hold against the mystery sign any texts, receipts, or contradictory statements sent on alternating Tuesdays. This contract is technically void because the mystery sign who signed it no longer exists.
#9. This agreement acknowledges that the mystery sign belongs to the universe, not to a legal institution. The mystery sign doesn’t believe in the concept of “property,” which conveniently means they will not be giving you any of theirs. In the event of a split, all physical possessions shall be donated to an eco-friendly charity or an underground art collective, except for the mystery sign’s cryptocurrency cold wallets, sci-fi book collection, and custom-built desktop PC. The spouse will take full ownership of the very mainstream, conformist credit card debt.
#10. The mystery sign will not be making any decisions regarding asset split, as the pressure might give them a headache. Instead, the Spouse agrees to just hand over the house and the expensive art so the mystery sign doesn’t look poor to their friends. For all other assets, both parties agree that a neutral, aesthetically pleasing third party will choose everything. The mystery sign retains all designer clothing, perfume collections, and rights to the social circle, provided they don’t change their mind about the divorce halfway through.
#11. Should reality inevitably crash into this romantic fairytale, the Spouse agrees to take 100% of the blame for destroying the mystery sign’s “pure, untainted soul.” Spouse agrees to leave the mystery sign with their tarot cards, and dream diaries intact. The mystery sign shall be awarded the beach house to stare wistfully at the ocean and write bad poetry about the cruelty of the Spouse, while the Spouse takes full responsibility for paying off the remaining, non-magical credit card debt. The Spouse will also be legally required to pay massive alimony to fund mystery sign’s permanent state of victimhood.
#12. The Spouse hereby waives all claims to the family heirloom recipe book, and anything of sentimental value accumulated during the relationship. Furthermore, the Spouse agrees to provide a minimum of six months of emotional transition alimony to cover the cost of tissues and nostalgic playlists. The Spouse agrees to reimburse the mystery sign for every single tear shed during the relationship, calculated at an hourly billing rate. In the event of a breakup, the mystery sign retains the house, the mutual friends, and the legal right to completely trash your reputation to your own mother.
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